Defensiveness: The Enemy of Couple Communication
Donna Kimmel, PhD, 2-17-2017
We’ve all self-censored our words. Remember the time you “held your tongue” because you just knew that if you expressed yourself honestly, you’d get an angry, argumentative response? That kind of response would have shut you down, preventing you from being heard, acknowledged and validated. And, when that happens regularly, the healthy give and take of a healthy relationship are simply not possible.
However, it is possible that you need to learn how to express yourself more skillfully. If that’s true, take responsibility for your part in the problem and learn how to express your points of view with a more subtle, considerate presentation. If that doesn’t make communication more effective, maybe the other person is just too sensitive. Maybe the other person feels attacked even when no actual attack is occurring. If so, his or her emotional and negative responses are labeled as defensive.
One can learn to speak carefully and skillfully fairly easily. But, learning to tolerate hearing what you don’t like hearing without feeling strong, negative emotion is more difficult to achieve. Defensive responses are an outward expression of an internal feeling of threat. In fact, this person usually believes his or her emotional and negative responses are justified as a counterpunch against an assault. In this situation, the difference between an actual attack and a perceived attack may be indistinguishable.
Two explanations for defensive reactions are easy to understand. First, the person may have a genetic predisposition toward a “short fuse” or short temper generally. Feeling frustrated and overwhelmed might also stimulate what seems to be a defensive overreaction. Emotionality could also arise without provocation. Self-awareness and taking personal responsibility for one’s behavior can go a long way to improving relationships and communication in this situation. Sometimes medication is needed to help quell extreme, difficult to control emotionality.
The second explanation for defensiveness I’m describing here is weak self-esteem. Self- esteem is defined as “a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.” When one feels good about oneself, others’ relatively unflattering points of view of self tend not to arouse strong emotion. People who feel positive about themselves tend not to overreact negatively to criticism or to what they don’t like hearing about themselves.
Unfortunately, improving self-esteem doesn’t usually occur overnight. Solid self-esteem grows out of experiencing repeated success. After childhood, these successes need to occur according to one’s own standards, not according to other’s criteria. Once developed, solid self-esteem is a powerful personal strength. It provides strong immunization against what – in the past – might have seemed to be a threat, prompting a defensive response.
Good couple communication depends on non-defensive reactions as well as careful presentation of one’s point of view.