The differences between Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD in adults) and a narcissistic personality are important to distinguish. It’s not uncommon for spouses to sue for divorce because they thought their partner had a narcissistic personality, when the accurate “label”/diagnosis should have been Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).
The distinction really matters because a person with a narcissistic personality disorder generally has behaviors that don’t change whereas people with ADD behaviors can and usually do change - when they become aware of those behaviors!
There are a couple of reasons why we should anticipate a change in the behavior of someone with ADD as compared to someone who is narcissistic. Narcissists don’t have much self-awareness regarding their unpleasant ways and are usually unwilling to believe there is anything wrong with what they do. Therefore they don’t take personal responsibility for change; and they don’t change. Those with ADD, however, can become aware of how their behaviors provoke others and how those and other behaviors often sabotage their own success in many of life’s domains. People with AD/HD behavior can and do change, if and when they decide to.
Another reason to be more optimistic about positive behavioral changes in someone with ADD as compared to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is that ADD usually responds remarkably well to medication, whereas narcissism doesn’t. When a person with ADD takes responsibility for self-monitoring, adopts targeted strategies to address undermining behaviors, and takes medication (when necessary) that helps with attention, impulsiveness and other issues, he or she can expect successes never before experienced. And partners who believed they were unheard will finally be heard!
Divorcing someone who really is narcissistic is predictable, and, probably wise.
Divorcing someone solely because of ADD isn’t really fair – IF he or she accepts responsibility for and uses strategies to reduce the biologically determined behaviors that sabotage many aspects of expected daily performance (in our Western society). Besides, ADD/ADHD is highly heritable, so you might as well get used to it – because one or more of your kids is likely to have ADHD too.